Malt Lottery

Dear Feynzie,

I want to take my girlfriend out for a romantic moonlit picnic. Is this a good idea?

- Peter

Dear Peter,

A splendid idea! Get planning!

Wait.

We need to talk about moonboners. 

Petey, a moonboner is a natural thing. Last year over twelve million Americans reported a moonboner to a health professional.

Even so, your moonboner may spook your sweetheart. She might even ditch you. Good riddance to her! From there on out it’s just you, the full moon and your raging moonboner!

Together you will cross wild rivers and trek through rugged valleys! You will plunge into dark forests and conquer mighty mountains!

With the moon as your torch you are never in shadow!
With a moonboner as your compass you are never lost!

Lead on, moonboner, lead on!

- Feynzie

…I would preffer to…

prefer. Don’t sweat it. Everyone makes mistakes.

…we can acheive…

achieve. I before e, friend!

…The whether was wonderful, so sunny…

Looks good to me. Carry on.

…which suggests severe emnaylyssea…

Wow. You really mangled this one. I’m stumped. No spelling suggestions.

…and please vakkum the carpet…

You’re sure English is your first language? Sorry, I’m here to help, not to judge. vacuum.

…and please vakkum the carpet…

Ignoring me, eh? Fine, add to dictionary. On your head be it.

…the hill was very steep…

I think you mean sheep. Do I need a reason?

…the hill was very sheep…

Much better. Wait, what? You’re turning me off?

…we need to build a concensus…
…we need to build a consencus…
…we need to build a consenssus…

Hah! Look who’s come crawling back. It’s consensus. You would starve without me.

…Abarabaham Lincoln loved himself a nice, ripe banananana…

I hate you.

“An angel whose muscles developed no more power weight for weight than those of an eagle or a pigeon would require a breast projecting for about four feet to house the muscles engaged in working its wings, while to economize in weight, its legs would have to be reduced to mere stilts.”
- J. B. S. Haldane. On Being the Right Size.

“The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city. When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground.’”
- Genesis 19:1

Sodom Gateway

Angel #1: Greetings, Lot.

Lot: Whoa, angels! You fellas are built! (Looks down.) Ugh, what are those things? Are they legs?

Angel #1 bursts into tears, flies away.

Angel #2: Why, Lot? Why be a dick? When I get back up there I’m telling Him that you and your whole city are totally immoral! Hope you like brimstone on your toast!

Angel #2 flies away.

What should I call a scientist?

Scientists are commonly referred to as friends of Darwin, enemies of Ra, atom buddies, Feynman-fawners, Sagan-suckers and unicorn doubters.

Where do the scientists live?

In the Ivory Tower. Search for it in google maps. Find it? No. Conspiracy? Yes.

What happened before science communication?

Non-scientists would gather at the base of the tower and demand to be given some science. Scientists would oblige and drop science out the windows. Falling science often landed on the non-scientists, hurting their brittle, flaky heads.

How can I communicate science?

1) Enter the Ivory Tower. Climb to floor 271.83.
2) Find a scientist. Ask for some science. Avoid eye contact.
3) Collect the science. Turn and run. Do not look back.
4) Thinly slice the science.
5) Hand-feed the slices to the non-scientists.

Is science communication important?

Yes. Without science communication there would be no science.

Further reading

Ivory Cower: Defusing The Sci-Comm Bomb -
Communicatorial Power-Popularization In The Nest Of The Upright Layman.
Napier, B. R. (2006), London: Sinclair Hall.

So you think you’ve found something radioactive?

Ask yourself these questions before taking action.

1. Does it look radioactive?

2. Does it smell radioactive?

3. Does it sound radioactive?

4. Does it feel radioactive?

5. Does it taste radioactive?

If you answered ‘Yes’ to these questions, SEEK URGENT MEDICAL ATTENTION.

Published by the National Radiation Protection Authority.

My precious Cape Thompson,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d like to detonate a single 200-kiloton bomb and four 20-kiloton bombs,
Underneath you.

(The fallout will be) Yours forever,
Eddy
________________________________________________________
[I’ve been reading The Firecracker Boys]

Mandy: Hello everyone! Thank you so much for welcoming us into your classroom today!

Ellie: We’re a team of superheroes! Our powers are based on exciting ideas from the wonderful world of physics!

Henry: So get ready for an amazing adventure! We just might learn a thing or two along the way!

Mandy: Let’s introduce ourselves! I’m Magnetic Mandy! Watch me levitate this metal disk!

Children: Oooh.

Henry: Hi! I’m Henry Heat! Watch me set this ten pound note alight!

Children: Ahhh.

Henry: The flames didn’t destroy it! Why not? I’ll let you in on the secret later!

Eric: Hi! I’m Entropy Eric! Watch me break this egg!

Children: …

Eric: We’ll never see that egg come back together again! That’s because nature tends towards disorder!

Children: …

Eric: Say, you look like a clever bunch! Maybe a more exact definition would help? How much statistics do you guys and gals know?

Teacher: They’re eight and nine year olds.

Eric: …

Teacher: So none.

Eric: Right… Ah! My power is linked to heat! Maybe Henry Heat will help me explain?

Henry: Oh no. You’re not dragging me down with you, Eric. I know my role. I burn. End of. Hey, who wants to see me burn stuff?

Children: We do!

Henry: How about I start with this stupid egg?

Children: Yay! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!

Eric: (Sigh.)

I still remember our first kiss. It was so hot. It burned my mouth. That’s why I’m writing this letter. I’ve been burned too many times.

Things might be different if I could see your lips without night vision goggles. I tried driving towards you in the hope that the light emitted by your lips would increase in frequency and become visible. Turns out my fixie is too slow to exploit the Doppler effect.

I can’t make this work. A vampire bat could. They can sense infrared thanks to the “leaf pits” located around their noses. Did you know that? I don’t have any leaf pits.

This is goodbye. I want you to embrace a new life. Find a nice, dank cave. Surround yourself with thousands of bats. The bats will make you happier than I ever could.

1701

Lord Halifax: Get your hands off my wife! Explain yourself!

Newton: Er… I recently discovered a new law of attraction. It applies only to Lady Halifax and I.

Lord Halifax: Nonsense!

Newton: It’s true. I have an equation and everything.

Lord Halifax: An equation? Why didn’t you say so? Do carry on!

1702

Lord Halifax: What do you think of my new safe?

Newton stuffs gold bars into his pockets.

Lord Halifax: …

Newton: I see you missed my most recent lecture. I demonstrated the powerful attraction acting between my body and precious metals.

Lord Halifax: Now see here, Newton, I won’t be taken for a fool.

Newton: I have an equation… (reaches for pocket)

Lord Halifax: My apologies. Go ahead.

1703

Lord Halifax: (groans) Newton… Over here… I am trapped beneath this pile of gold bullion. Attract the gold away from me before I am crushed!

Newton: I’m afraid I can’t. Turns out I made a slight mistake with that law. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of Lady Halifax.

Lord Halifax: I am beginning to think your laws are nothing but balderdash!

Newton: I could always show you my corrected equation… (reaches for pocket)

Lord Halifax: Okay.

Newton: What, really?

Lord Halifax: Yes. I want to see it.

Newton shows paper to Halifax.

Lord Halifax: I don’t understand. There is no mathematics here. This is a sketch of the male member with a happy little face drawn on!

Newton runs away.

RESEARCHER 1: My work suggests that the universe is a thin, flat, circular plane which decomposes quickly when submerged in hot, sweet liquid.

RESEARCHER 2: (crunching biscuit) I disagree. The only feasible model is that of a crunchy universe with an abundance of ginger, cinnamon and nutmeg, all of which were formed during the Big Bang.

RESEARCHER 1: Do you think commercial sponsorship has affected our independence?

RESEARCHER 2: (crunching biscuit) Not at all. We might be paid by a biscuit company and have access to an unlimited supply of free biscuits but that doesn’t… (slurps coffee)That doesn’t mean we’re being enticed towards findings that would generate good publicity for our benefactor.

RESEARCHER 1: Oh, okay then. (crunching biscuit) What are you doing after lunch?

RESEARCHER 2: (crunching biscuit) I think I’ll pop up to the third floor and take a dip in the giant cup of tea.

Once upon a time – of all the good days in the year, on Quantum Eve – I sat busy in my laboratory.

“A merry Quantum, uncle! May the field of pure potentiality save you!” cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of my nephew.

“βah! Woo-woo.” I said, “Merry Quantum! Out upon Merry Quantum! What’s Quantum time to you but a time for deluding yourself with nonsense!”

“I have always thought of Quantum time as a good time,” returned my nephew. “The only time I know of when men and women seem by one consent to open up their minds freely and transcend the quantum level of themselves.”

“βah! Woo-woo!” I said.

“I am sorry, with all my wavefunction, to find you so resolute. So A Merry Quantum uncle!”

“Good afternoon!” I said.

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benchmensch (n.) – helpful lab technician who appears out of thin air in times of crisis.

electropragmatism (n.) – 19th century foreign policy strategy advocating the use of electromagnetism as a means of projecting national power, well characterised by the English attempt to steal French metal supplies by attaching a giant electromagnet to The White Cliffs of Dover.

feynfawn (v.) – to display intense affection for Richard Feynman.

mini-laymen (n. pl.) – term used in the field of science communication to refer to children.

retrojot (v.) – to write up an experiment after the event in such a way as to make it seem as if the work was recorded while it was being conducted.

snebber (n.) – a person who asks questions in lectures with the sole intention of making themselves look clever in front of everyone.

Quants apply complex numerical techniques to many areas of finance. They create high speed trading instruments that contribute to market uncertainty. They hold considerable influence within Wall Street yet are subject to little outside scrutiny. Who are these masters of the dark financial arts?

Most sources state that the word ‘quant’ is an abbreviation of ‘quantitative analyst.’ This expansion is a smokescreen designed to obscure the real meaning of the word. Quant stands for ‘quantum ant’.

Quantum ants originated at Princeton University at the end of the 1930’s. A young graduate student named Richard Feynman studied the ants that congregated on his windowsill. Feynman taught the ants to read braille by substituting each dot with a grain of sugar.

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