Great men who woke up in a landfill:

1) Richard Feynman

2) John Roderick

What Spell Check Is Thinking

…I would preffer to…

prefer. Don’t sweat it. Everyone makes mistakes.

…we can acheive…

achieve. I before e, friend!

…The whether was wonderful, so sunny…

Looks good to me. Carry on.

…which suggests severe emnaylyssea…

Wow. You really mangled this one. I’m stumped. No spelling suggestions.

…and please vakkum the carpet…

You’re sure English is your first language? Sorry, I’m here to help, not to judge. vacuum.

…and please vakkum the carpet…

Ignoring me, eh? Fine, add to dictionary. On your head be it.

…the hill was very steep…

I think you mean sheep. Do I need a reason?

…the hill was very sheep…

Much better. Wait, what? You’re turning me off?

…we need to build a concensus…
…we need to build a consencus…
…we need to build a consenssus…

Hah! Look who’s come crawling back. It’s consensus. You would starve without me.

…Abarabaham Lincoln loved himself a nice, ripe banananana…

I hate you.

4.a. The carcasses of twelve (12) Jack Russell Terriers are to be buried alongside my coffin so that their spirits may protect me from the many vengeful cats I shall encounter in the afterlife.
4.b. Only Terriers which have expired via natural causes are to be used. If the dogs were done away with especially for the purposes of 4.a. then they too would seek retribution against me in the great beyond.
Excerpt from the Last Will and Testament of Erwin Rudolf Schrödinger (1887 - 1961)

United Biscuits Cosmology Institute

RESEARCHER 1: My work suggests that the universe is a thin, flat, circular plane which decomposes quickly when submerged in hot, sweet liquid.

RESEARCHER 2: (crunching biscuit) I disagree. The only feasible model is that of a crunchy universe with an abundance of ginger, cinnamon and nutmeg, all of which were formed during the Big Bang.

RESEARCHER 1: Do you think commercial sponsorship has affected our independence?

RESEARCHER 2: (crunching biscuit) Not at all. We might be paid by a biscuit company and have access to an unlimited supply of free biscuits but that doesn’t… (slurps coffee)That doesn’t mean we’re being enticed towards findings that would generate good publicity for our benefactor.

RESEARCHER 1: Oh, okay then. (crunching biscuit) What are you doing after lunch?

RESEARCHER 2: (crunching biscuit) I think I’ll pop up to the third floor and take a dip in the giant cup of tea.

A Quantum Carol

Once upon a time – of all the good days in the year, on Quantum Eve – I sat busy in my laboratory.

"A merry Quantum, uncle! May the field of pure potentiality save you!" cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of my nephew.

βah! Woo-woo.” I said, “Merry Quantum! Out upon Merry Quantum! What’s Quantum time to you but a time for deluding yourself with nonsense!”

"I have always thought of Quantum time as a good time," returned my nephew. "The only time I know of when men and women seem by one consent to open up their minds freely and transcend the quantum level of themselves."

βah! Woo-woo!” I said.

"I am sorry, with all my wavefunction, to find you so resolute. So A Merry Quantum uncle!"

"Good afternoon!" I said.

Read More

Who Is To Blame For The Financial Crisis? The Quants.

Quants apply complex numerical techniques to many areas of finance. They create high speed trading instruments that contribute to market uncertainty. They hold considerable influence within Wall Street yet are subject to little outside scrutiny. Who are these masters of the dark financial arts?

Most sources state that the word ‘quant’ is an abbreviation of ‘quantitative analyst.’ This expansion is a smokescreen designed to obscure the real meaning of the word. Quant stands for ‘quantum ant’.

Quantum ants originated at Princeton University at the end of the 1930’s. A young graduate student named Richard Feynman studied the ants that congregated on his windowsill. Feynman taught the ants to read braille by substituting each dot with a grain of sugar.

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I integrated your mum.
Sir Isaac Newton in a letter to Gottfried Leibniz (15 July 1714)

Choose Your Own Richard Feynman Adventure

Page One

Two students enter your office. They challenge you to solve a fiendish math problem in your head in under thirty seconds.

If you decide to differentiate under the integral sign, turn to Page Two.
If you decide to ignore the students and play the bongos, turn to Page Three.

Page Two

You differentiate under the integral sign and solve the problem within ten seconds. It turns out that these ‘students’ are in fact President Dwight Eisenhower and Albert Einstein and that by solving the problem you have prevented the outbreak of global nuclear war. The President offers you many medals and prizes in recognition of your achievement but you refuse them, having no time for trinkets. Einstein and the President leave. “Hey,” you think to yourself, “this could make for a pretty good anecdote.”

If you decide to go tell Murray Gell-Mann the good news, turn to Page Four.
If you decide to go to a bar to celebrate, turn to Page Five.

Page Three

You ignore the students and begin playing the bongos. A record executive passes by your window and, on hearing your incredible percussive skill, rushes in and begs you to sign a record deal. You modestly refuse the offer and continue playing. The record executive secretly records you and the subsequent single tops the charts in over fifty countries. “Hey,” you think to yourself, “this could make for a pretty good anecdote.”

If you decide to go tell Murray Gell-Mann the good news, turn to Page Four.
If you decide to go to a bar to celebrate, turn to Page Five.
       
Page Four

You enter Gell-Mann’s office. He is out. There is a safe in the corner of the room. There are some ants by the window.

If you decide to crack the safe, turn to Page Six.        
If you decide to play with the ants, turn to Page Seven.

Page Five

You are standing at the bar. An attractive young woman is sitting in the corner of the room. There are some ants by the window.

If you decide to play with the ants, turn to Page Seven.
If you decide to chat to the woman, turn to Page Eight.

Page Six

It takes you less than a minute to crack the safe. You climb inside and shut the door. You wait patiently for what seems like several days. When Gell-Mann returns you leap out and yell ‘CRAZY TIME!’ Gell-Mann clutches at his chest, curses you and drops to the floor. “Hey,” you think to yourself, “this could make for a pretty good anecdote.”

You go to a bar to celebrate. Turn to Page Five.

Page Seven

You teach the ants a more efficient method of transporting food. The ants worship you as their messiah. Your ant disciples carry you away to their underground lair where you reign over them until the end of time as Dick Feynman: President of Ants. (They originally offered you the title ‘Lord of Ants’ but you refused it, having little time for airs and graces.) “Hey,” you think to yourself, “this could make for a pretty good anecdote.”

Page Eight

You chat to the woman. She finds you charming but warns you that she is married to the eighth richest and third craziest man in the country. The woman’s husband springs up from behind the bar, wielding a musket and flanked by two dozen samurai swordsmen. He challenges you to a musket-and-swordsmen duel. You disarm the husband and his henchmen by differentiating under the integral sign. You then defuse the tension with some light bongo. The husband angrily declares his intention to sell his business and spend the proceeds on the construction of a fifty foot tall bronze statue of you. He spends the rest of his days with the ants in quiet contemplation of your brilliance. You bring the woman back to your room. “Hey,” you think to yourself, “this could make for a pretty good anecdote.”

The End

The Evil Carl Sagan Adventures

Between takes on the set of Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.

Evil Carl Sagan: You! Get over here!

Runner: Yes, Mr Sagan. Would you like something to drink?

Evil Carl Sagan: Shut up you INSOLENT FOOL!

Evil Carl Sagan bludgeons runner to death with model of the planet Saturn.

Evil Carl Sagan: You! Clean him up!

Runner #2: Yes, Mr Sagan. Would you like a change of clothes? You have blood all over you.

Evil Carl Sagan: NO! The blood soaks nicely into my red turtle neck. That’s why I wear this colour you BLOCKHEAD!

Evil Carl Sagan bludgeons runner to death with model of the planet Saturn.

Evil Carl Sagan: You! I’m hungry! Make me an apple pie from scratch!

Runner #3: Yes, Mr Sagan.

Evil Carl Sagan: You do know what it takes to make an apple pie for me, don’t you?

Runner #3: Ah… the universe, right? Good one, Mr Sagan.

Evil Carl Sagan: No! It takes human flesh! What else would a cannibal want in a pie?

Runner #3: Then why did you ask for an apple pie?

Evil Carl Sagan: I was trying to be subtle you STUPID IDIOT!

Evil Carl Sagan bludgeons runner to death with model of the planet Saturn.

Evil Carl Sagan: You! Make all the dead runners into a pie!

Runner #4: Yes, Mr Sagan.

Director: And… we’re rolling.

Evil Carl Sagan: As we journey on through The Solar System we reach the planet Saturn with its sharp, shimmering rings and dripping crimson oceans.

Quantum Leaping : A Public Health Warning

Have you ever found yourself transported instantaneously from one position to another without any idea of how it happened?

You don’t remember moving your legs. No one pushed you. Yet you definitely moved. What happened? The answer is a macroscopic quantum leap.

The average person in the UK is estimated to quantum leap over a significant distance around three times a year. Leaps over a metre in length are rare but they do happen. If you are leaped up into the sky you could be placed in real danger. This is why most quantum physicists wear concealed parachutes at all times, even while in bed.

The worst case scenario is being leaped directly underground. Mariel Reyes suffered such a leap outside her home in Toledo, Spain in 2006.

‘Suddenly I could smell wet earth. I tried to call for my husband Sergio, I wanted to say ‘Sergio, what is going on?’ But I couldn’t speak because my mouth was full of soil.’

It took fire crews six days to dig Mariel out.

You are probably wondering what happens when one living creature quantum leaps into the space-time of another. In 1949 Marlon Brando quantum leaped into a western lowland gorilla, creating the cinematic superbeast that went on to win two Oscars.

Quantum leaping is a random process and you cannot induce it, prevent it or control it. Marlon and Mariel survived their leaps.

Will you?